4th February, 1945
At the Yalta Conference, trying to reach a mutually desirable post-war agreement between Churchill, Stalin and Roosevelt. God, it's depressing. Stalin's upset that Roosevelt won't let him have any of his fruit pastilles, and Roosevelt's getting pissed off at Churchill for taking all the black ones.
Roosevelt finally loses his temper, calls Churchill a lard-ass and says he looks like a tortoise in that big coat. Churchill retorts that although he may look like a tortoise now he can always take the coat off, but Roosevelt will still be a twat. Stalin comments that their monopoly on fruit pastilles is typical of western capitalism, but they both tell him to fuck off back to the Village People. When I remonstrate with them that they're both adults and the future of Europe is at stake, Churchill makes faces behind my back - much to Roosevelt's amusement. Stalin asks who put me in charge anyway, whereupon Roosevelt offers him a fruit pastille. Luckily it turns out to be a red one, which pleases Stalin considerably. Churchill's desperate attempt to make light of this new development ("Comrade Ambassador, with this New Deal you will be spoiling us!") goes down like a lead balloon, but the rest of the conference proceeds amicably.
At the hotel bar later, Stalin and Roosevelt perform a karaoke version of the Spice Girls' "Wannabe" while a drunken Churchill takes a shit in the ashtray.
